How am I powerless over alcohol, and how is my life unmanageable? Did you ever feel this way? If so, let me know, and I will be there for you! Keep reading…
I am powerless over alcohol in many different ways. There is no off button when I drink. There are days that I have been able to have just one, but craving for more. This is a vicious cycle that cannot ever be stopped because I don’t want it to, or do I.
Maybe it’s not worth it because who cares about me anyway. Well, isn’t that what they tell you anyway when your incoherent shell of a person screams and yells, telling the only people who care about you that they are worthless and are not worth your time. But, isn’t that how you feel deep down inside, worthless?
Wait, stop…stop trying to trick me into thinking you’re my boss, and you can tell me what to do. You’re always bossing me around; you can’t tell me what to do! I rule my own life, my own decisions, my own emotions. Why are they yelling at me again? Do I need to find another place to go again?
I’m just going to see if I can handle it only once more since no one loves me anyway, and I can do this. It’s just a liquid. But unlike anything else, there is so much power in only one little drop as it touches my lips. It tears into my soul.
There were days that I said I didn’t want to drink but fell into the trap door of a bottomless pit. Here is where I find myself more often than not, because I either don’t care, or the power is so immensely strong that I can’t overcome the false grip of a liquid that will slip through the fingers.
I have tried everything…and still experiment with drinking just beer, changing types as that was a way to make a difference. I have changed every type of alcohol, from rum to whiskey to vodka. From dark to light, brown and clear. There has been not one form that made a difference. But all things changed when I focused on something greater than myself, and leaned into my faith.
Though I thought that I was doing the right thing, I never was. Being powerless over alcohol, I have never understood. I have always thought that I had power, but this was not the case. For one, the definition of powerless is “without power, strength, or ability; wholly unable to act, influence, etc.; helpless, impotent.” With finally taking the step to figure this out and reading the words of powerless it makes sense, NOW!! But this was not the end, because I always had a vision that I was powerful enough.
It is the unmanageable part that I feel has had the most significant impact on me. I have ended up in institutions, jail, and hospitals because of my drinking. I have pushed loved ones away, lost my entire self-worth, and have nearly little to no self-respect to face each day at times. I have been drinking since the time I was born, it seems. I had a “first sip” at the age of two, and I only know this because I remember pictures, and my first official drink I was 14. It went full-blown at the age of 17 in the Bahamas, and I have not looked back since.
My life is entirely unmanageable, “difficult or impossible to manage, manipulate, or control.” I have lost complete control of the way that a NORMAL person should live, and I am no longer willing to keep the trend going.
I have found that through it all, I do have the control that I have always needed, but had first to love who I am, and not try to be someone that I am not. I must find my self-worth and not focus on who I think I need to become to be lived by people who do not matter in this life.
Step into the reality that you are to be loved by the right people, not the false identity of who others say you are. The people who care for your well being will be there for you, unlike those who say they will.
Did those people even answer when you called for help, or were they part of the problem?
When you were struggling, did it feel like you were blowing it off as though you were dramatic. Again, when you called for help, did they answer? Did they even call you back?
